I probably won’t make it to my art class today.
I did go to my art class.
Might have had more energy if I would have come earlier. but there was a cute toddler there.
Lately I have been reminiscing about a time in my life where I felt really really depressed.I don’t think people give depression enough importance these days. It’s difficult to find people who possess the strength to help an individual who has to deal with depression every day. Depression is tough but anxiety is worse.
There were times were a community of people would identify me as someone successful. A label, a trait or an accomplishment to some. However, this level of success almost cost me my life.
The Daniel Rios from that time was more concerned about performing a great job. Earning their supervisors respect, approval and dependability. Things seemed great and optimistic from a career perspective. I could have kept that lifestyle if I wanted to but it would have interfered with who I am as a person. I would have forgotten about who I really was.
On a personal note. I was struggling with socializing. It seems as if I had more coworkers than actual friends. Since I hadn’t really practiced or worked on my social skills my fear of asking a girl out was making it even more difficult to socialize.
Anxiety was strong during this time.
I was able to overcome this. I won’t get into too much detail.
What came next was a depression stage.
You have to be careful when you think of depression. For the last years, I have viewed depression as a game. A mental state which can be manipulated according to the individual. Also, what works for one person might not work for another.
I even tell myself there are good days and bad days.
When I think about it, I want to separate depression into two opponents. Sort of like in boxing. When there are two fighters going against each other.
The only difference is that this is a friendly fight. You have positive emotions going against negative emotions. Professional boxers resemble these emotions with their personality. For example, Oscar de la Hoya might posses positive emotions while his counterpart Floyd Mayweather symbolizes the negative emotions.
These emotions change throughout the fight. Although, there might be one emotion that’s dominant over the others.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to these days. Although, you can’t cut out the ugly parts from the pretty ones. My life back then was like a drawing. Parts of the drawing were really colorful with vivid colors while a lot of the ugly parts had dark, blurry and messy colors. When there were high points in my life they felt like an adrenaline or rush. I felt happy, peaceful and then relieved.
When there were low points I just wanted them to disappear quickly. I would not have learned nothing if I would’ve kept living that life. Everyday life is not about rainbows, unicorns or smiley faces that are handed out to you when you go shopping at a department store. It’s about dealing with uncertainty, friction and the ability to sustain mental abuse. Rocky Balboa expresses a similar thought in the following dialogue:
“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward.
goalcast.com/rocky-balboa-motivational-speech-son/
Even though I felt I was doing great. I had no privacy! Have you ever lived in a place where your roommates go through your trash? They check your websites’ passwords and read your personal belongings? I guess back then I was playing a role. Like an actor. My role was to show a smile and stuff all my anger and negative feelings underneath.
You don’t have to put up with people who will not be loyal to you. The downside with putting up with people that you don’t like is that you might end up changing yourself. Your ideals and/or beliefs. I remember giving a lot of importance to a person because I thought we shared things in common.
I would have had an easier time just letting things be.
You are pressured in to getting a girlfriend. Having brand name clothing. Blending in.
There is nothing wrong with not fitting in. “Maybe the environment is a little sick.”
Dave Chappelle